What I’m frustrated about is waiting. It leeches from every reserve. My faith is low, my desire to write is low, my vision for the future is low, my will to believe or hope is low. Waiting reveals every ugly angle. It’s like the selfie camera on the i-phone that mirrors my face and makes me look lopsided.
Today it got as bad as me complaining up to God, “I don’t wanna be thankful for my food anymore. It’s a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”
I can’t believe that God is testing me until I fail so he can blame my unhappiness on my inadequacy. It’s like if I don’t have a good job, I just need to be thankful in a pit of despair and feces-and then God will open a door. But that’s manipulation, so I know God isn’t that. Do I need to be thankful? Yes, but thankfulness isn’t a magic potion.
I want God to know I’m disappointed, but more importantly confused out of my mind as to where he is taking me (or not taking me). And I feel like it is my fault for not knowing where I want to go. And I hear the choirs of angels saying, “This is all about your bad attitude.” But honestly I do not feel a need to look good in my struggle. I want to do justice to my struggle and not waste my time trying to look pretty or quote the right magical bible verse to get me out of it. And I want to bite all the people who struggle admirably and eat bugs and dirt in front of them just to make them scared.
I don’t have any patience right now, and I’m tired of other people’s lives overshadowing the story of my life. I just feel choked out of my own story. But I don’t have enough left in my tank to propel me forward. It’s so easy to watch myself get swallowed whole in a numbing blanket.
Today I went with my Grandaddy to The Farm to plant pumpkins even though I should have planted them a lot earlier in the growing season. But I want pumpkins, so I don’t give a shit in a bucket when you’re supposed to plant them. My God, just give me pumpkins. The best part about my day was that and the butterflies. There were hundreds of them, and they let me shake my fingers at them and film them and chase them,and then they’d land back in their huddles like they were still cool with me. (Thanks guys.)
And then we fed the fish. Fish are gross and slimy and disturbing, but I loved watching the end-of-world chaos as they fought for floating food. And the grass carp that swam up made such a big shadow in the water that I felt wonder. At a fish that is gross. I felt something. And if life can be that stupid and make as little sense and get away with being ridiculously incoherent, why don’t we allow ourselves that grace?
Words making me laugh never gets old, and fortunately I’m close to a good source. So good and funny. So good for Monica!
Well my funny is custom sharpened by you, so no wonder you love it!
It was refreshing to me to be able to get up, have a cup of coffee, and read your words this morning. Every sentence you write is so heartfelt, and I love the way that you vent your frustrations on writing BY writing, very well might I add!
I love that I could be a part of your morning routine and hopefully make it more enjoyable. But yeah writing tells on itself all the time haha.
Ya know, grace is unearned favor. I’d say you definitely earned some favor. Living in a world that plays favorites; where politics reigns supreme and your buddy or family is more important than any qualified or gifted person who may seek a job; the mere stench of it is disheartening and discouraging. You are not like that slimy ugly carpe but the fact that your heart was moved by grace toward it, says a lot about your ability to see worth in the seemingly most unworthy. One day someone will see your heart and your talents will merely be a plus in light of it; it will be your time to shine! So you don’t need the right job to come along but maybe the right person who will champion your gifts and tirelessly work to help you find your place. Now who could that be… maybe a God or something!😘
I feel like you and I are finally getting the hang of doing justice to the struggle. I also think our phone conversation the other day was a good back up partner with this post and I’m mad that I’m just now seeing it; I didn’t even realize you had posted this because the only time I have at home with my computer is spent wallowing in bed watching netflix (haha). I’m not going to be ashamed of wallowing in my pit of despair, though because it’s MY PIT OF DESPAIR AND I’LL WALLOW AS I SEE FIT DANG IT! (Take that self-judgment and guilt!)
Now I’ll switch tabs back over to my seventh episode of The Office.
Amen! You and me should be pros at the struggle by now. Let’s just custom tailor our struggle to make it as much ours as possible. Why not do that if you are going to be in the struggle anyways!?