The Two Gods

photo-15 “God = disappointment.” I saw the equation out in the dark rain and didn’t have the energy to not agree. It’s not true, but a weak and exhausted part of me let it fall on me and push my breath out of me. I came back through the foggy glass door to finish working out. The strong part of me pushed the sideways conclusion off and saw it for what it was, and I realized I have a better relationship with disappointment than I do with God. Yes, that is more true than God = disappointment. I dialogue with unanswered prayers, even the ridiculous ones I want the most like, “God make the light turn green” or “Let me beat this person in Clash of Clans.” Each prayer lost is like a little exhale, or a hand written note saying “God doesn’t give a shit about giving you anything.”

Most often the first thing I think every morning is how I’m so thankful for my family, and sleep, and my pillows. It’s a part of me that connects with God and knows I am so damn lucky. So it’s like there are two Gods. The one who is super kind who keeps me overwhelmed with gratitude. And my inner-dialogue God.

God ≠ Inner Dialogue.

Christmas is great,–hope, wishes, presents, and blah blah blah, but I can’t ignore the tetherball effect of hope when you slap it and it comes back around and smacks you in the head. Praying and hoping in the early stages always brings pain and feelings of “I’m tricking myself. I’m stupid,” and much of the time the pain scares me away from hanging in long enough to even get anything more out of hope and prayer. And asking God for things never fails to make me feel belittled because I feel like God makes awkward face (like the lying I-don’t-have-money-face) and we both just know “Ehhhhh–you already get what you deserve…that’s all there is.” And I feel like a child, not in the liberating way, but in the inferior way.

And then it’s me talking to False-God-Inner-Dialogue who makes my stomach turn like when I remember that awful phase where I liked eating boiled eggs. So now I have the memory of eating lots of boiled eggs.

So my point is in all of this, it’s really easy to get lost. I end up spending way more time with ideas and my own bad thoughts. As Jared told me the other day. “I feel like instead of looking far away, like into a field, I’m looking right in front of me, and I want my eyes to be further out there.” Don’t get lost in the up-close. It’s not God. It’s not even you either. Walk away from that inner-dialogue son of a bitch. You owe nothing to her/him. Go walk far into the field where God might really be or where a truer you will most assuredly be.

3 thoughts on “The Two Gods

  1. You have such a gift of words. So authentic! You so transparently share your journey through life. You challenge me to look for that deeper relationship with our creator. You have within you that great masterpiece! I love you and am so proud if you and am honored to be your dad! Continue to write more.

  2. I was not able to sleep night before last because my mind got to racing like yours did ! Sometimes, for me, I get so confused and angered by the religiosity that has been infused into my heart and soul over the years. I can’t reconcile my images of God with what He must really be like. Sometimes I find myself feeling like a child who waits for their parents to go to sleep so they can sneak out to experience life in a way that would be frowned on or even forbidden. I actually find comforting the fact that while I might think I’m getting away with something, God noticed and he didn’t send a plague to punish me. I have been trying out this new thing ( to me) called grace. It explains God in a way that I believe makes Him more awesome than I ever have been able to understand. ( Oh , god, I have started to ramble ) Anyway, I do know what you mean by our inner dialogue and personal frame of reference skewering our vision and making us nearsighted ! ( wait til you get my age and the field you look at behind you becomes even more ominous than trying to squint to look to the future! ) At any rate, I don’t think that in the scheme of things, it will be events that did or did not happen along the way that define the success or failure of our lives, but probably more so the way we loved others and allowed them to be the imperfect creatures they are and how we allowed others to love us and most importantly, how we loved ourselves !

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